If You Were Mine
by lavariel
Summary: a shinigami's insights of love, pride and jealousy about a certain couple. he learns to heal his heart and wait for someone who is willing to love him...forever.
1. May it be forever

If You Were Mine. CHAPTER ONE: MAY IT BE FOREVER. BY: YUKIE_48@YAHOO.COM  
  
PAIRINGS: TSUZUKI X HISOKA, TATSUMI X TSUZUKI WARNING: SHONEN-AI, ANGST  
  
* ABOUT TATSUMI'S PERSPECTIVE ON HOW HE FEELS ABOUT A CERTAIN SHINIGAMI. BUT IT'S JUST TOO BAD; HE CAN NEVER HAVE HIM AND HOW HE PAINFULLY DEALS WITH HIS FEELINGS. WILL HE BE ABLE TO FIND LOVE AGAIN IN THE ARMS OF ANOTHER?  
  
(TATSUMI)  
  
TSUZUKI ASATO HISOKA KUROSAKI SUMMON SECTION RM# 01-6589-92345  
  
I SIGHED. I LOOKED AT THE FIRST NAME ON THE PAPER. 'TSUZUKI ASATO'. THAT NAME JUST KEPT BANGING IN MY HEAD FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE ETERNITY. IT'S WEIRD, IT REALLY IS. I KNEW HIM FOR YEARS AND HAD BEEN WITH HIM BUT WHY IS IT THAT ITS STILL NOT ENOUGH. I GUESS ITS WRONG SINCE I WAS THE ONE WHO DUMPED HIM A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING THIS EMOTIONS OF LOVE, REGRET AND. I GULPED. JEALOUSY.  
  
KUROSAKI-KUN AND TSUZUKI ARE . WELL. TOGETHER NOW. TOGETHER IN A SENSE THAT THEY'RE LIVING TOGETHER IN AN APARTMENT FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW. IT'S JUST BETTER TO THINK THAT THEY'RE PARTNERS RATHER THAN THE REALITY THAT THEY'RE LOVERS, IT PAINED ME TO NO END. IT BROKE MY HEART WHEN TSUZUKI ANNOUNCED THE WHOLE JUOHCHOU DEPARTMENT ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP. BUT STILL, I'M AMAZED ON HOW I WAS ABLE TO CONTAIN MYSELF, CALM MY HEART AND PUT MY FEELINGS ASTRAY AGAIN.  
  
KUROSAKI AND I NEVER REALLY HAD A PROBLEM REGARDING TSUZUKI. WHEN TSUZUKI WAS STILL EYEING HIM, HISOKA DIDN'T NOTICE THAT HE HAD FALLEN FOR HIM ALREADY. TO EVERYONE THEY SEEMED SO OBVIOUS, BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE IT. IF HE WAS TO CHOOSE WHO IS THE BEST, TSUZUKI WOULD CERTAINLY CHOOSE * HIM *. IT'S NOT JUST THE PHYSICAL BUT THE EMOTIONAL. BEFORE, I THOUGHT THAT THOSE TWO WOULD NEVER GET ALONG AND I GUESS I WAS GLAD. I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT I CAN'T HELP TO BE OVER-PROTECTIVE OF THE ONE I LOVE. BUT THAT GLADNESS DIDIN'T LAST LONG. SLOWLY, THEY WERE BEGINNING TO OPEN UP TO EACH OTHER. AND FROM THAT TIME ON, GREW A STRONG BOND BETWEEN THEM AND CAN NEVER BE BROKEN.  
  
They had managed to find love in the arms of one another.  
  
THEY MANAGED TO OPEN THEIR HEARTS AGAIN; TO LOVE AGAIN.  
  
BUT IT HURTS TO KNOW THAT THE ONE YOU LOVE IS THE ARMS OF ANOTHER.  
  
NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO LET HIM GO AND LET HIM BE HAPPY.  
  
IT'S JUST THAT.WHY DID I HAVE TO FALL FOR HIM? WHY DIDN'T IT HAVE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE? IT'S BETTER TO FALL FOR SOMEONE WHO RETURNS YOUR FEELINGS. BUT.IT JUST HAPPENED, I FELL FOR HIM, TSUZUKI IS THE ONE I LOVE.  
I'M JEALOUS, I ADMIT I AM. I'M JEALOUS WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP, THEY LOOKED SO HAPPY. I'M JEALOUS OF TSUZUKI, HE HAD ALREADY FOUND THAT MISSING PART INSIDE OF HIM. I'M JEALOUS OF HISOKA THAT HE GETS ALL THE LOVE HE DESERVED FROM TSUZUKI. I'M JEALOUS OF EVERYONE, THEY ALL SEEMED CONTENTED.  
  
AND I'M NOT.  
  
I'VE GOT MY FRIENDS AND ALL THE CARE I NEED FROM THEM, BUT I WANT MORE. I NEVER HAD THE LOVE I NEEDED WHEN I WAS ALIVE. I NEVER EVEN LOVED ANYONE BEFORE, NEVER OPENED UP MY HEART TO THE WORLD. THE WORLD WAS SO CRUEL TO ME, TAKING AWAY FROM ME MY MOTHER, THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD LOVE ME WAS TO DIE. I WAS SO EMPTY, WITH NO ONE TO LOVE AND NO ONE TO LOVE ME. I WAS SO ALONE.  
  
BUT I MET ALL THESE KIND PEOPLE.AND TSUZUKI.  
  
I WAS STARTING TO THINK THAT THE GODS HAD GIVEN ME ANOTHER CHANCE, ANOTHER LIFE TO LIVE. BUT OF COURSE, I NEVER LET IT SHOW. ITS BETTER TO BE SILENT ABOUT ONE'S EMOTIONS RATHER THAN GETTING HURT IN THE PROCESS. THAT IS ME, WEARING A COMPLETE, UTTER MASK. BUT PROBABLY, KUROSAKI SENSES MY MISERY. OF COURSE HE DOES, HE'S AN EMPATHY.  
  
MY LOVE FOR TSUZUKI IS ONE-SIDED, UNREQUITED. AND UNREQUITED LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS HAPPY, IT DOESN'T END THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO. INSTEAD, YOU JUST HURT YOURSELF, GET YOURSELF BROKEN AND MAYBE EVEN KILL YOURSELF. BUT THAT CASE DOESN'T MATTER NOW, I'M ALREADY DEAD.  
  
TSUZUKI.  
  
TAKE THIS FINAL SENTIMENT, KNOW THE LOVE I BEAR.  
  
KUROSAKI.  
  
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF HIM,  
  
GIVE HIM THE LOVE HE NEEDS, THE LOVE THAT CAN ONLY COME FROM YOU.  
  
I RESPECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TSUZUKI. MAY IT BE FOREVER.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? WELL. IT'S KINDA ANGSTY. HEHEHE. MY TYPE OF FANFICS. AND, UHM, I'M ONLY GONNA MAKE FOUR CHAPTERS FOR THIS FIC.  
  
CHAPTER 1 - TATSUMI'S POV (WELL, THIS GUY'S OK. HE'S CUTE. THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.) CHAPTER 2 - TERAZUMA'S POV ( THIS GUY'S AWFULLY HANDSOME, YOU GOTTTA SEE HIS MANGA PICS!) CHAPTER 3- HIJIRI'S POV (OH, I HATE HIM! NO OFFENSE GUYS! JUST CAN'T THINK OF ANOTHER CHARACTER!) CHAPTER 4 - WATARI'S POV (I LOVE THIS GUY AND HIS CAREFREE PERSONALITY AND I HAVE THIS IDEA OF PAIRING HIM UP WITH TATSUMI.HEHEHE.)  
  
IF I HAVE THE COURAGE AND ENERGY TO DO SO, MAYBE I'LL WRITE A SEQUEL TO THIS! HOPE YOU REVIEW! JA NE! 


	2. the road that leads to him

If You Were Mine. CHAPTER TWO: THE ROAD THAT LEADS TO HIM BY: YUKIE_48@YAHOO.COM  
  
PAIRINGS: TSUZUKI X HISOKA, TERAZUMA X HISOKA WARNING: SHONEN-AI, ANGST  
  
* THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT TERAZUMA AND HOW HE LOSES A PART OF HIMSELF AS HE DISCOVERS THE FACT THAT THE ONLY PERSON HE COULD EVER LOVE IS THE ONE HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE. TERAZUMA'S INSIGHTS ON LOVE, PRIDE AND JEALOUSY.  
  
(TERAZUMA)  
  
THERE ARE THINGS THAT I DON'T KNOW. THERE ARE THINGS I WANT TO KNOW. THERE ARE THINGS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. THERE ARE THINGS I THOUGHT I KNEW. THERE ARE THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW I WANTED TO KNOW.  
  
A WARM WIND BLOWS A PART OF ME AWAY.  
  
I HOPE TO FIND THAT PART OF ME SOMEDAY.  
  
SOMETIMES, I WISH THINGS WEREN'T THE WAY THEY ARE. IT'S JUST THAT EVERYTHING I TOUCH HAS TO PULL AWAY, EVERYONE I LOVE HAD TO GO. I KNOW ITS WRONG TO BE REGRETTING THINGS THAT HAD ALREADY HAPPENED, AS GOOD AS IT GETS FOR THE BOTH OF THEM.  
  
TSUZUKI AND HISOKA.  
  
THEY BOTH LOOKED SO HAPPY. AND HISOKA, I NEVER SAW HIM SMILE THAT WAY, ONLY WHEN HE'S WITH TSUZUKI. THOSE GENUINE SMILES THAT I CAN NEVER MAKE HIM DO. IT HURTS TO SEE HIM SMILE.WITH TSUZUKI. IT HURTS TO KNOW THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN MAKE HIM SMILE LIKE THAT, MAKE HIM HAPPY AND HAVE HIM HAS TO BE * HIM * AND NOT ME. IT HURTS TO KNOW THAT THE ONE YOU LOVE IS HAPPY ON THE ARMS OF ANOTHER.  
  
I KNOW IT'S WRONG. I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR THEM, HAPPY THAT THEY FOUND EACH OTHER. WELL.I GUESS I'M HAPPY. HAPPY THAT HISOKA FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE HE COULD SHARE ALL THOSE TEARS, THOSE SMILES AND HIS PAST. BUT THAT SOMEONE ISN'T ME.  
  
IT WAS TSUZUKI.MY RIVAL.  
  
TSUZUKI AND I ARE LIKE REFLECTIONS ON A MIRROR. OF COURSE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE LOOK ALIKE PHYSICALLY. EVEN AFTER ALL THE HEARTACHES HE'S GONE THROUGH, HE STILL ALLOWED HIMSELF TO TRUST SOMEONE. TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. HE LOVES HISOKA.HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS.  
  
WHEN TSUZUKI LOOKS AT HIM, HIS EYES SHINE WITH WARMTH, COMPASSION AND HAPPINESS, WERE REFLECTIONS OF MY OWN. SOMETIMES I ENVY TSUZUKI. I GUESS I WISH I WAS MORE LIKE HIM. HE'S SO OPEN WITH HISOKA; HE'S TRUE TO HIS HEART. AFTER ALL, HE TOLD HISOKA THAT HE LOVES HIM.  
  
I CAN TELL HOW TSUZUKI'S FEELINGS, HIS SENSE OF URGENCY, NO , NEEDS TO PROTECT HIM. MAYBE THAT'S ANOTHER THING TSUZUKI AND I HAVE IN COMMON. WE BOTH MANAGED TO FIND LOVE, EVEN IF MINE IS UNREQUITED.  
  
It's just . why is it that almost everyone seemed to accept their relationship? I know its WRONG thinking things like this but why can't they object about the issue. I guess I'm just being naïve and insecure on the topic. Of course, I knew about Tatsumi's feelings about Tsuzuki but he doesn't seem as jealous as I do,. But then.maybe.he just doesn't let his feelings show.  
  
I HATE TSUZUKI.  
  
WHY WAS IT THAT HISOKA HAD TO CHOOSE HIM? IF I HAD MET HIM EARLIER THAN TSUZUKI DID, WILL I BE THE ONE HOLDING HIM NOW? IF I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO WIPE THE TEARS IN THOSE BEAUTIFUL, EMERALD ORBS, WILL HE LOOK AT ME? IF I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM THAT HE'S NOT ALONE, WILL HE FEEL THE SAME?  
  
MAN, AM I THAT JEALOUS AND DEPRESSED TO BE THINKING THINGS LIKE THIS?  
  
IT'S JUST WHEN I FIRST SAW HISOKA, I HAD A . WELL.. CRUSH ON HIM. IF HE WASN'T JUST THAT CUTE AND SEXY, I WOULDN'T. BUT AS I CAME TO WORK WITH HIM ALMOST EVERYDAY, I SAW HOW BEAUTIFUL HE REALLY IS, NOT JUST ON THE OUTSIDE, OF COURSE. MY FEELINGS BECAME MORE INTENSE. I REALIZED THAT MY FONDNESS FOR HIM WASN'T JUST A CRUSH. WHAT HE FELT WAS MORE OF. WELL. THE IMPACT WAS TOO GREAT AND MAYBE, NO, I'M SURE. I LOVE HIM.  
  
HISOKA.WHEN I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU.  
  
YOU TOLD ME YOU FELL FOR HIM.  
  
YOU HAD A CHOICE.TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TSUZUKI AND ME.  
  
BUT YOU CHOSE HIM.  
  
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT SMILE, ALL I CAN GIVE ARE FAKE SMILES, NO MATTER HOW I'M HURTING, I PROMISE I WON'T LET YOU KNOW.  
  
I LOVE YOU.I REALLY DO.  
  
I DON'T BLAME YOU IF YOU CHOSE HIM, TO BE WITH HIM.  
  
I'D RATHER GET BROKEN ALL OVER AGAIN JUST TO SEE THAT SMILE AGAIN.  
  
HISOKA, MAY YOU BE HAPPY WITH HIM.  
  
YOU HAVE TAKEN THE ROAD THAT WILL LEAD YOU TO HIM.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: SO, HOW WAS IT? THE 'HIM' TERAZUMA WAS REFERRING TO WAS TSUZUKI, SO DON'T BE CONFUSED. I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OF YNM. AND I'M WRITING THIS JUST FOR FUN AND I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO WRITE NEXT ON HIJIRI'S POV. AND GUESS WHAT? I HATE HIJIRI! I TOLD YOU THAT MANY TIMES OVER, DIDN'T I? HEHEHE. GOTTA GO! THANKS FOR READING! 


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